What we carry

Photo by Sebastian Voortman from Pexels

It isn’t even a fill week into this project and I’ve already skipped a day. I’ve decided that it’s okay to miss a day from time to time — I’m not perfect, and there are just going to be days it happens. The only thing I can do is to not let it fall to two, or three, days and start up again.

My surgery “packet” hit my inbox today. My surgery is officially scheduled for 28 December. It was before, but somehow seeing it in writing, along with all the instructions and information I was previously told made it seem so real. Suddenly this somewhat nebulous future state turned real in a moment. It’s what some might call sobering.

Equally sobering was the moment we pulled away from the airport after dropping my sister off for the flight home. I didn’t want her to go. It was such a nice time, just hanging out and talking. We did a few Philly things as well, but it was truly a visit about just being together. And in that instant, she was going home, and I was gobsmacked with the reality that tomorrow begins our formal goodbyes to a dear friend.

It was empty. It was heavy.

Knowing what the days ahead will cost me emotionally is one thing, knowing that it will also levy a hefty fee physically is another entirely. Bending over without pain is no longer. Picking up anything of weight sucks. A lot. I wear out easily and just can’t do everything my head lists out for the day.

I’m holding onto the positives:

— I have help.
— I have access to excellent medical care.
— I have means to support myself.
— I work for a great, supportive company and group of individuals.
— My messy house is evidence of life well lived.

Healing happens in a lot of ways. Writing is just one of them. The key is to be open to the others. That’s something I’m learning.

Song of the day: You should probably leave, Chris Stapleton

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